Happy Tuesday!
Just sitting here right now chugging lemon water, prepping myself for going home this weekend. I need to be #skinnie in 16 days and whenever I go home I gain like, 20lbs. Figure if I drink exclusively lemon water and kale prior to Friday, that’ll put me at a net zero by Monday morning. Pray for me.
Its been a weird summer & I’ve gone to the beach ZERO TIMES, so having to wear a bathing suit in October is STRESSING ME OUT. I’ve been loading up on products (what else is new) that’ll hopefully give me some semblance of a healthy glow in the middle of October - mostly moisturizers and exfoliaters; I’ve gotten into dry brushing, fake tanning as per usual, nothing crazy. HOWEVER, I stumbled upon a BOOB MASK (!!!!) while I was on Revolve and obviously had to buy that. I am a total sucker for new beauty products if only because I live for fixing problems that probably don’t really exist. If it ain’t broke, I’m gonna rub something weird on it.
This is not my first rodeo trying weird health/wellness/placebo/good smelling products that sound like they're lying to me. If you think of it as a hobby, it's not really a waste of money even if it doesn't work, right? Some people spend $50 on craft beer or otherwise socializing with their friends and some people spend $50 on adaptogenic dust to add to their oat milk lattes in hopes that they'll stop being on the verge of a heart attack at all times. We do what we need to.
Also not my first rodeo in terms of rubbing something weird on my boobs and hoping for a miracle. When I was young and particularly stupid, I read that if you put toothpaste on your nipples it would make your chest grow and LOL okay first of all WHAT the fuck and, secondly, I cannot believe there was a time in my life where I thought I would need assistance in that department. I can't believe I wanted this!!!! I feel like I should sell that story to Big Mouth. Human cognitive development is something else.
So the nipple toothpaste went about as well as you could imagine. I slept with it on and woke up with burnt and very minty nipples and had to explain to my mom that I burnt my nipples off (not so much off as just like...to a crisp? it's gross either way, who cares) with toothpaste and it was a whole thing SO after that, I largely left them alone like a normal person.
The poor breastuses have been through a lot. I hit puberty very young, maybe because of the toothpaste, and super quickly went from flat to DDD which was like, not great. I had some stretch marks from that, then I lost some tittage when I was sick with my ED, got it back, lost some again, started targeting my pecs when working out, realized that made me look stupid - anyway, they could use a SMIDGE of help in terms of returning to their former glory. If I could, I would have a reduction tomorrow, but I have things to do and places to be and no medical recommendation for insurance purposes.
With an actual surgery out of the question for the time being, I’ve been searching for a good topical collagen treatment. Give em a lil boost, ya know? i found plenty of ”at home remedies” but, as you can imagine, post-minty nips Ally was hesitant. I had heard about the brand anese because they sell a super popular boo-tay mask, so when I saw that they were selling a boob mask claiming to restore some perkiness and, at a minimum, firm them up and make them soft, I figured I’d give it a try. Not that I have like, sandpaper chest skin, but when it comes to skin I’m not scared to over-nourish it.
Rob went for a run about the same time I was starting to get ready to go out on Saturday - always works out best for me to try out new beauty things when there’s no one around to mock me. I took that time to dry brush (helps combat the appearance of cellulite), shower, and throw on the boob mask. First impression - this mask smells AMAZING. SO GOOD. I wish I could eat it. I don’t know why my first instinct is “I’m gonna eat it” to literally anything that smells good (candle, perfume, boob mask, lip gloss, etc.) but anyway it’s not edible.
It goes on smoothly and feels really nice - theres a cooling aspect to it & it tingles a little (not quite like a plumping lip gloss, but in the way that a lot of face masks do). It eventually dries and hardens a bit, I left mine on for about 20 minutes, and then washes off easily in the shower. It left my skin SO soft and slightly glowing - I used it all the way up to my collarbones the next time and it looked so nice (and emphasized chest bones!! which I’m sure is a fucked thing to say but I love that!!). The scent of the mask lingers and it does actually have a plumping affect. I get really self conscious of light stretch marks I have on the sides of my chest & after a couple of uses it does look like they’re fading a bit! The mark on my chest that you can see if from my sports bra after a particularly intense workout & the scar is fading as well! I could be going crazy or maybe it really does work, unclear, but I’d still recommend trying it out if for no other reasons than how good it smells and how moisturizing it is.
Will this make me look better for the beach? Definitely not noticeably, but I’m all about doing things that make me feel confident. If it makes me *feel* better, I’m all for the placebo affect. All I know is that I’m 3,000% going to use the entire jar by the time I leave for vacation. It protects against sun damage too!!! That’s what we need!!! Don’t need to leave California #saggin.
If you have any products you use that make you feel particularly confident in a bathing suit, would love to hear about them! In my advanced age I’ve realized that not wearing a T-shirt on the beach is more a product of how I feel about myself, rather than how I actually look, ya know? Confidence is so strange I hate this.
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