"Oh my GODDDDDD. I can't wait to be home. I quit my job today & I've been drinking since 5 PM. My entire body hurts. I can't believe I quit my job. I think I'm having a nervous breakdown."
"Is this your home? We've been here for 5 minutes. You were snoring."
As much as I want to say "funemployment" was only uphill from that early morning interaction with my Uber driver, I'm not going to lie to you - those 3 months were not my favorite. My sabbatical was a steep decline from drinking a $32 Bellini in a garden bar in Rome, to eating plain oatmeal for lunch in the stockroom of a certain store who's management merely acknowledged the fact that there was - sniff sniff - *for sure* a dead rat in the room we all ate in.
Hello hello! I am writing to you now as "employed girl," my new identity that can calmly explain to you why I quit my job, my prospects, turned down a job, took a lot of showers that involved me s l o w l y sitting down into an upright fetal position, and exclusively pursued jobs that scared the absolute shit out of me. I think we all can benefit from living as if we're just trying to see what we can get away with in this lifetime. I work in Private Equity now & that is this world's single greatest testament to our collective ability to "fake it til we make it."
I woke up one morning this past March and realized I was miserable. Absolutely mis. I woke up every morning DREADING the day ahead & I finally realized after a year of audibly moaning every time my alarm went off, I don't have to do a job I hate. Especially not when I'm 23, graduated from college, and could make more money working at Ben & Jerry's.
Was my time in advertising a great learning experience? Yes!
Did I make great friends? Yes!
Did I take the job believing it was a stepping stone to another position & then realize a year and a half later that wasn't going to happen and I was just going to stay poor and the receptionist until I die if I didn't do something drastic? Yes!
After plenty of discussions with my therapist, Rob, and anyone that would listen, I gave my two weeks. I went to Italy, came home, realized I didn't want to work in advertising or go back to school, entirely threw in the towel, crawled back in bed, and pretty much stayed there until I realized that I needed to get my shit together and figure out what I do actually want to do with my life.
Something I realized, that I think a lot of people my age struggle with, is 1) I have no clue what I want to do with my life and 2) Everything I think I might like doing seems unattainable and terrifying.
I would LOVE to write/blog/create content full time. I'd love to work in fashion. Working for the NFL could be fun. I miss college maybe I can find a college to work at. Should I become a personal trainer? Do I need capital to be a philanthropist? Will anyone pay me to cook/eat? Consulting seems fun but I think I had to make that decision like, 9 years ago. I've always found banking interesting but I have no idea how it really works and I don't have an applicable degree and I -
My recruiter was a saint. The patience this woman had to have - immeasurable.
Ultimately I realized that I like money. How fabulously introspective of me. Genuinely meditated on that one. I think literally anyone in my life who knows me could've told me the same thing without putting a moment of thought into it.
The first interview I had at an investment bank, I was visibly sweating. The woman interviewing me was like, "Hey, if you didn't appeal to us as a candidate we wouldn't be interviewing you" so I calmed down and spent the next 3 hours interviewing for a job I didn't get. As I started interviewing at more banks and consulting firms, let me tell ya, the impostor syndrome was AWFUL. If this was a TV show, I would now play for you a montage of me pacing outside of the office before going in, sometimes looking like I was going to throw up, sometimes looking like I was having a manic episode, and sometimes staring into the void and genuinely considering skipping the interview and walking home in the rain just to add some drama. Also would include a clip of me walking into a group interview where every other woman was wearing a neutral suit and I was wearing a subtly sparkly just above the knee black tweed jacket - "Are we all interviewing for the M&A deal team assistant position?! Good luck!"
Crickets. Absolute crickets.
The first interview I had that finally eliminated my crippling impostor syndrome (note: just the crippling part, I'm still struggling with impostor syndrome on some levels but honestly, who isn't? I can't be christened an official Chad until I get over it) was with a company I have wanted to work for since I was like, 17. I had applied to maybe? a million jobs here? and never gotten an interview. I'm emailing recruiters, I'm emailing randos on LinkedIn, I tried to do a UMass networking thing and go to get coffee with some guy who worked there, short of throwing rocks at their windows and screaming "DO YOU HAVE A SEC?" I did EVERYTHING to get an interview at this company and I never could. The day I finally had an interview there felt like Christmas morning.
I walked in that interview having turned down a job offer JUST so I could interview here instead, so prepared, so confident, so excited, absolutely crushed it, got great reviews back from the people I interviewed with, and I didn't get the job. The timing wasn't right, they didn't think I'd like the position long term (true) and ultimately the exact position wasn't going to be the best for me. When I tell you I had a mental breakdown, I'm not talking "crying and eating plain tortilla chips in bed while watching Friends" I'm talking "calling my mom and telling her I'm moving home and I shouldn't have graduated from college because I'm too stupid to get a real job and I don't belong in corporate America."
Yes! I interviewed at one of the best companies in the world, had them tell me they really liked me and think I'm articulate and composed and intelligent, just not someone they thought would be happy in the position long term, and I was so beaten down that my takeaway was "I am too stupid to ever have a job that affords me the ability to pay rent in a city, I must go."
I didn't want to interview at the company I'm currently working at. I legitimately went through a period of bereavement after getting rejected from the aforementioned position, where I felt like I had to come to terms with my perceived reality that I'm not cut out for corporate America or jobs that make money/interest me. I was tired! I didn't want to walk back into another office that terrified me and once again be the least educated person in the room. Rob had to beg me to interview here and, honestly, this was the first job I interviewed for that I didn't spend days prior prepping. I did some reading on the company, the industry, the people who worked at the company, and after realizing what a difficult sector PE is to get into and how intelligent/well-educated/shockingly impressive every single person I would be working with is, my immediate reaction was "are you sure they requested an interview with me or is there another Allison Moran?".
It's not that I didn't want to work here, I just never thought I'd actually get the job. I thought I was intimidated walking into IBs and Consulting firms - I was so intimidated walking in here that I was numb to it because my expectation was for them to pull out a resume and say "So you graduated from Wharton and have spent the past 4 years at BCG?" and I'd say "oh no that's not my resume" and they'd say "there has been a mistake" and I would say "thank you for the tea, I am going to go home now." Much to my surprise, I interviewed, talked about my interests and my uncertainty with my career trajectory, got a second interview, and ultimately a job offer, all in a shorter time span than it has taken me to explain to everyone in my family who thinks I'm an investment banker now that I don't work in investment banking.
Everything that terrified me about this company and getting out of my comfort zone, so to speak, career-wise is what I love so much about my current job. I am the least educated person in the room every single meeting every single day & that's INCREDIBLE. If you're the smartest person in the room, find a different room. You're not doing yourself any favors. I've only been here 2 months and my vocabulary, understanding of the industry, and general understanding/perspective on life/business/finance has already changed for the better. I feel so lucky to be here & I never would've had the chance if I didn't quit my job, get rejected a million times, reject some decent opportunities, take a ton of stupid risks, really think about what I want and remain persistent in my search to get it no matter how many times I had to shower-cry afterwards. Did I mentioned I'm the only woman who works here? Wanna talk about pushing through intimidation, here I am! This was the furthest thing from a hot girl summer but employed girl fall and onward was worth it.
If you're feeling miserable at your current job and scared to pursue better opportunities - just try! I reiterate - this life is all about seeing what you can get away with and convince yourself/others that you're capable of. Impostor syndrome is a very real thing but I'm here to tell you, while affirming it for myself for the 3,000th time today, you belong wherever you want to belong. Get in the room. You deserve a seat at the table. Work hard, be persistent, and you'll find that you are capable of being wherever you want to be. Will I be in PE forever? Will I be at this company forever? I have NO idea - but I do know I would've never thought I was capable of working at a company like this nor would I ever have made these phenomenal connections and have had the best learning opportunity imaginable if I didn't physically force myself to take a massive risk and not give up when my "dream" blew up in my face.
Anyway, I'm back! Shit slightly more together, missed writing, and feeling inspired to do more of it. Speaking of other things that intimidate me but I latched on to in a desperate attempt to better myself - I'm also working at Barry's Bootcamp now! Someone please take a class with me. Hot girl fall is in full swing & I'm angry that I wanted to name this blog Hot Girl Energy before Hot Girl Summer was even a THING. That's what hesitating gets you in this lifetime. A nameless blog and a year of doing the dishes at a job you can't afford to work at. Get out there and go after what you want & I'll continue to try to force myself to do the same & keep you updated. Keep me updated on you as well.
We're all friends here.
xoxo
Chad