The whole ride home yesterday I was calming myself to the mantra "One more. One more homecoming. One more and you're done. You're done with homecomings until Rob's ... Rob's five...year...is...the year after...David...gradu..ates...fuck. Ok two more an- oh my god I'm going to be here every fall for the rest of my life."
One thing about Amherst is that I'm convinced every single one of Rob's friends from his football team hates me & I almost never leave there without crying. His friends from home - I will puke on myself in front of his Natick friends and feel nothing (I haven't done this but I have eaten French fries dipped in blue cheese in front of them to no indication of judgment). One time one of them brought a girl home and I forced her to watch French bulldog videos with me for like, 15 minutes & there were no hard feelings. Those are my guys. Love those guys. Amherst friends? I don't know WHY I am so scared of them but without a doubt every single time I go to Amherst, I stress drink, black out, and say THE dumbest shit imaginable. I don't know if you've figured this from reading my blog, or knowing me personally, but when I'm stressed I DO NOT know how to shut the fuck up. My subconscious mind will be fighting the good fight, screaming at me "girl, shut up" and I'll stand there like "Hey everyone! Here's the WORST THING I COULD POSSIBLY SAY IN THIS SITUATION!"
I also don't listen. I allow myself to slip into my subconscious when other people are talking & then once I mentally rejoin my physical self in conversation, its not good. I legitimately told someone it was no big deal that a football player was trying to bang her 14 year old sister BECAUSE obviously I wasn't listening to a fucking word she was saying. I go from in a coma, somehow standing, to suddenly having to defend myself "I thought you meant 14th grade" good save! 14th grade! As people say! I need to learn how to look someone in the eyes and say "I am so sorry for the way I am but I wasn't listening to a single thing you just said. I've been laser-focused on this pulled pork sandwich for 15 minutes, I don't even know where I am right now."
My scaries since graduating from college have been out of control. Like, I can't remember the last time I drank and woke up the next morning not crying. Is it a self-esteem thing or an anxiety thing or both?? I don't know? Something is very wrong though! Something is wrong. I had to do an eval of myself prior to agreeing to go to Thanksgiving with Rob's family in Florida this year & decided it is probably best for everyone that I stay home. Tried to do that for a few football games this year but like, there's not really any convenient time to tell someone "hey I've been blacking out without warning or any significant amount of alcohol because I'm stressed out of my mind almost every waking moment of every day so, I'm going to skip on the family memory and just sit at home moaning." Your early 20s suck. Full disclosure. I cried driving past UMass yesterday.
One of Rob's friends who actually has legitimate reason to not like me told me he has read my blog and thinks its really funny though SO for all of the 14 year old comment-esque awful things that happened that day, I at least obtained one (1) W from the support of both him and his adorable girlfriend. Leaving Amherst with one W is one more than usual so special thanks to them. Also ordered Uber Eats McDonald's at 2am after not eating all day so no word as to whether or not that L negates the aforementioned W, but emotionally those kind words saved me from leaving Pratt field in a body bag for the 5th year in a row.
Quick Weekend Recap!
I miss college
Cutwater spirits continues to be my lifeblood
I am terrified of men
I've been going through podcasts like nobody's business lately (that's the true sign of a woman in decline, huh? I've been listening to a lot of podcasts....buying some fun crystals to rub on my face...squeezing lemon juice on everything...going to HomeGoods) & The JTrain Podcast by Jared Freid is *truly* lighting up my life. I found his stuff after listening to a bunch of Betches (Diet Starts Tomorrow which led to U Up? etc etc) podcasts and he's hilarious. Definitely worth the listen/follow. Betches has a bunch of great podcasts listed on their website & they're great for finding EVEN MORE PODCASTS AND FUNNY PEOPLE
I am old
Gyro City FUX & I can't believe I've lived 3 years without eating mozzarella sticks when I could've just gone and gotten 8lbs of saganaki every Sunday morning.
Rob's 25 now and needs a good quarter life crisis purchase if any of you have any ideas.
Wisteria Blue by NEST is my new favorite rollerball but I'm still in the business of finding a new perfume for date nite/special occasions/the weekend. Tryna switch my scent up a little.
I FINALLY got my hands on the Girogrio Armani Luminous Silk Foundation & I LOVE IT. It matches my skin so well, mixes effortlessly with my sunscreen, and barely looks like I'm wearing anything. It's so light and soft & beyond worth the hype
We're planning a pre-christmas trip to New York so definitely taking suggestions for good spots.
Hopewell remains a top 10 Boston date spot & it's right across the street from my gym so I can workout, shower, and then not feel as bad about putting down a gross amount of spinach and artichoke dip.
I need a vacation
Hope you all have a better Monday than I'm having! Stayin' positive over here but things are not good
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