I wouldn't say I view myself as a particularly confident person. I'm incredibly self-conscious about my physical appearance, my intelligence, my capabilities, the way I speak - pretty much every facet of my being. A blessing and a curse, I find that what I struggle with the most is accepting what is "my best." There's perfectionism that evokes some sort of ~insatiable hunger~ for greatness, and then there's perfectionism that is borderline debilitating - I FOR SURE suffer from the latter. Of course, I've done things I'm proud of and to, what I believe, is my best ability. I can be a highly motivated, driven person when I want to be. What kills me is my tendency to blindly compare myself to anyone and everyone. I end up disheartened, unmotivated, and will occasionally go into what I refer to as "hermit mode" wherein I won't leave the house for anything. Last summer - big time hermit mode. Sophomore year of college? Hermit. The prequel to the vast majority of my drunkest nights is almost always "UGHHH I am FAAAAAAAAAAAT. I'M UGLYYYYY. I'M NOT GOING OUT" followed by tears, someone forcing a drink down my throat, and the magical realization that I'm not that ugly and I should, like, go have fun. The end of the night? Always a crapshoot as to whether I end up crying or ordering an entire pizza for myself.
Let me be very clear: I don't support liquid courage as a routine coping mechanism. Its good for some nights, but let's be real - you're not always going to be in a place where drinking 3 tequila sodas and putting on heels is a good idea (that's almost never a good idea for me, I digress). Maybe some days you wake up and you're feeling bad about the way you look, maybe you're like me and constantly think all of your friends hate you, maybe you feel dumb, incapable, or just like you can't keep up with everyone else - the best advice I ever got was to fake it until you make it. I never realized how well that worked until I got messages asking me how I go through life confident and seemingly (key word: seemingly) not giving a fuck. I fake it! A lot! lol! We're all kinda faking it sometimes, right? Does anyone know what the fuck they're doing? Has anyone remained untouched by social media-inspired FOMO and envy? How the hell do you all know how to braid your hair like that? Do you all have limitless vacation days? Why don't your legs have pores? How are you eating waffles all the time but have visible abs? What the fuck? Does everyone have their Master's except for me? EVERYONE has felt that way at one point or another!
I think a lot of us get stuck because we're taught that we should be accepting of what and who we are, what are lives are, and we just be !confident!, as if we can pull that confidence out of thin air and suddenly be content with our lives - that's not how it works. I'm here to tell you that it does take a ton of effort to build-up yourself and your confidence, but its worth it. The most important step to take is identifying what makes you feel confident. Do you feel best about yourself when you do your full skincare routine and are in bed by 9? Do you feel the best about yourself when you have a full face of makeup and heels on? When you're hanging out with your friends? When you're organized? DO IT! Make sure you actually get up and DO the things that make you feel confident. What makes you feel confident can and will vary from day to day, but the best advice I can give you is to find a few things that consistently make you feel good about yourself and make sure you do them everyday. Of course I have days when I'd much rather sleep in and have toaster waffles in the morning, but I know I feel better about myself when I wake up, go to the gym, and have a healthy breakfast. It's not easy investing in yourself and your confidence, but you'll never regret doing it. Have fun, live your life, but make sure you're looking at things longterm. Working towards your longterm goals is a GREAT confidence boost. Make time for yourself! If you feel good when you have makeup and a cute outfit on - wake up earlier in the morning! The worst thing you can do for your confidence is expect to just wake up with it someday - you need to put effort in. The more effort you put into yourself, the better you'll feel & the less it will seem like you're faking it. When you spend time focusing on yourself and making sure you're doing your best, you spend a lot less time comparing yourself to other people. There will come a day when you realize you're not actively faking it anymore and you're actually becoming a more confident person, I promise.
We all have bad days! We all have days when we wake up and feel like our faces look fucked up, none of our clothes look good, we can't speak right, we're dumb, etc. etc., but if you can fake it on those days, that's half the battle. Do your best. Even if its killing you to get out of bed and fix your hair - force yourself to do it. You're worth the effort. If you can make even one small thing go right for you, you can figure out the rest of the day too. No day is ever a wash. You can always, always, always do your best. Confidence is mostly just feeling content with yourself. If you can be content with yourself, that's what's most important.
I am so much more confident now than I was even a few years ago. I really did fake-it-til-you-make-it'd into an entirely different person. I'm no longer easily intimidated, I force myself to make eye contact with people, I make sure I have good posture, I address people with respect and don't let anyone speak down to me (<---- this was a big one for me). I went through life for a very long time feeling like I was always inferior and always a subordinate. I was intimidated by pretty much everyone until one day I realized that no one is inherently better than me & if they're treating me that way - I'm going to correct them. I had a lot of shitty encounters with drunk (and sober) guys at my boyfriend's college (one of my best friends SWUNG on a kid who was making fun of her for going to UMass and it was a top 10 college moment for me) and one day I finally snapped and decided no one was going to speak to me like I was less than. Sometimes you have to be a lil mean. If I have to be a bitch to get the point across that I'm not taking shit from anyone or letting anyone speak to me condescendingly, I am not scared of being a bitch. This attitude somehow miraculously carried over into my professional and otherwise daily life & I'm all the better for it. I'm a very nice person, I think I'm pretty approachable, I treat everyone with respect - but I have enough respect for myself now that if I feel like I'm being treated poorly, I say something about it. My mom always tells me (literally at least once a week) that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. I practice that every single day. No one makes me feel inferior. I'm doing my best, I am a nice person, I work hard, and I'm inferior to no one.
If you have to make a little sticky note to put on your desk, remind yourself that no one can make your feel inferior without your consent. Don't give anyone that power over you! Do what you have to do to feel confident about yourself, and take the time to really figure out what those things are! Sometimes you have to work to become a person you're confident in, and there's nothing wrong with that! That's the whole deal with faking it until you make it. I'd always convinced myself that I'd be happier & more confident once I was *fill in the blank*, but once I'd get to that point, I often times still wasn't happy or confident. You have to live your daily life, whether you feel like it or not, like you're your best self already. I was helllllla thick and miserable this past summer, unemployed, moving back and forth between Boston and Holyoke every few days, but I made sure that I was carrying myself with the most confidence I could. If I allowed myself to lose my confidence, I wouldn't be in a place right now wherein I feel comfortable with myself. That being said, I want to be better than I am right now & I've found myself content enough that I have the confidence to keep working towards my goals. It's a tough habit to get into, but your future self will thank you!
I hope some of these thoughts & little tidbits of advice were helpful! I know it can be really hard to feel confident, but if you start investing the time and energy into yourself, it will happen! Do your best, remind yourself that you're doing *your best* and your best can't be compared to anyone else, and just keep your head down & keep on keepin' on. So many cliches YIKES but seriously, they're all true. Don't compare yourself to anyone, treat yourself and others with respect, and the confidence will come. Fake it til you make it, guys. Even if you think you suck right now, make sure no one can tell. You don't suck, I promise.
:-) Ally
