Scroll down for the recipe!
"Ugh, Rob, this is, like, my actual Soul Place" was a real sentence I said to Rob at 9:30 am, $9 oat milk matcha latte in hand, sitting outside of Alfred's Tea Room.
"Yeah. You....are...." Rob said, blinking one too many times.
"WHAT" I interjected, exasperated hand motions and all, making sure to flail my matcha latte away from my bright white, cropped Barbie sweatshirt.
"You're right at home here! That's what I was going to say! Relax."
"Seriously though. I love it here. I'm not like, as intimidated by the scene as I thought I would be. I feel like -" I trailed off as my eyes followed the absolute tallest drink of lady-water I've ever seen in my life, walking out of the store next-door.
She was definitely over 6 feet tall. Carbon38'd out. Short, shiny, platinum blonde hair. Chloe sunglasses. Had young twin boys in tow. I watched in awe as she slung her Chanel Canvas Deauville bag up onto the table and told her boys (in a Australian accent, of course) to drink their juice.
"I want to be her when I grow up. I'll have what she's having. I'm so intimidated by her. I love her." I said. More as a prayer than as a comment directed to Rob.
Turns out lil miss thang had just walked out of Moon Juice. That's right, people. My soul place is a chair next to a small cactus on Melrose Place, between Alfred's Tea Room and Moon Juice. The aesthetic. The health. I can't.
Like, I literally can't. I took one look at that woman, remembered I ate about $150 worth of sushi the night before, and decided I physically could not go inside of Moon Juice.
"Just go in there. Isn't that your Gwyneth Paltrow place you always say you want to try? You should go in."
"I can't go in. They can sense that I have fat vibes right now."
"What is a fat vibe?"
Long story short, I chugged my latte, ate the leftover Pop Chips (is that one word or two?) in the back of our rental car, and made a mental note to actually order some adaptogens from Moon Juice when I got home.
"What's an adaptogen?"
"Its like mushrooms or something idk its supposed to help."
AND HELP IT HAS!!! I BRING YOU, FROM GOOP X Amanda Chantal Bacon, my favorite way to consume adaptogens, SEX BARK.
I'll make a post on all things adaptogens if people are interested, but, basically, my experience with Moon Juice has been SO GOOD. I am so, so stressed. Constantly. I don't think I've "relaxed" since my freshman year of college. I've been so stressed that I've been losing hair, having a really hard time getting definition to my abs (fun fact: out of control cortisol levels make it borderline impossible to lose weight in your stomach. This fact wasn't fun at all.), I don't sleep, I'm sluggish, I'm moody, I'm basically the absolute fucking worst - but adaptogens...are the real magic dust. You need to take them consistently for long term effects, but the short term effects are worth it in and of themselves.
I started with Beauty Dust, a blend that's antioxidant rich and provides long-term protection from free-radical damage i.e saggin', dull skin, wrinkles, that jazz. When I saw that it's supposed to combat the physical effects of stress - I was sold. Beauty dust has helped out with my skin a bit and definitely has helped with stress, but Sex Dust has been a game changer for me. I take a teaspoon every morning and a teaspoon every other night - in this house we are SO CALM.
Inappropriate nicknames for this blend/bark aside, I think its less an aphrodisiac than it is like, healthy smelling salts mixed with a nice red. It calms you down, I've felt more level-headed since I started taking it, and I don't become "void of emotion" level calm - I'm ready to go. Movin. I'm blogging. I'm walking on the treadmill for fun even though I already worked out that day. It's winter and I'm shaving my legs. Rearranging the bedroom. I'm folding socks. Let's GO. The dust is also supposed to help with male reproductive health so, congrats Rob.
This bark is the ONLY way I can consume Ashwagandha without crying (I can make another post about ashwaganda - really effective stress relief/mood boost/stamina/cravings control adaptogen) & it is SO good. Here is the actual recipe & I'll list the recipe I did below. It tastes super good & is great for you. The adaptogens are potent enough that you get the effect without having to drink grainy tea/coffee/blended foam-y whatever "juice." It does what it claims to do. Do you really need a reason to eat chocolate that's good for you, psycho?
Sex Bark
1 bag of Enjoy Life Dark Chocolate Chips (I used these instead because its easier and dark chocolate is great for controlling your cortisol levels!)
2 tablespoons of ghee
3 teaspoons of Sex Dust
2 teaspoons of ashwagandha
Agave to taste (I only used this to negate the bitterness of the ashwagandha!)
All the cacao nibs your little heart desires
All the Himalayan sea salt your little heart desires
In the microwave, melt 1/3 of the chocolate chips at a time with some ghee. I do it for about 30 seconds, then stir, then 15 second increments to ensure I don't burn it.
Once the chocolate is all melted, add in the Sex Dust and ashwagandha and whisk (it can get clumpy if you don't whisk it really well!).
Add in the agave to taste & pour mixture into an 8x8 pan (or smaller/larger depending on how thick you'd like the bark to be!).
Sprinkle the top with cacao nibs and Himalayan sea salt & freeze for about 20 minutes. Break it into pieces using a butter knife and you're good to go! So easy, so good, probably the chocolate to be consuming if you're in the business of consuming chocolate (who isn't).
YUMMMMM. Eat ya chocolate and then go do your laundry at 11pm on a Wednesday or bang one out as intended. Like smelling salts and red wine but you get to eat chocolate. The world is your Soul Place. Go forth and prosper, baby.
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